Top 6 Things to Do or Say When You're Frustrated with Your Partner

1. Do nothing (at least not at first). Most of us get in trouble when we react right away to what's triggering us. If you're annoyed - see what it's like to wait just 10 minutes before you snap back with a snarky remark. In just 10 minutes, you might be able to gather perspective and see the full picture of what's really happening. That will inform your response (hopefully a more grounded one).

2. Be specific. The more general and broad you are, the more likely you are to be hurtful. For example, if you say "It really bothers me that you never help out" - that's a bit difficult to take in. But, if you say, "It really bothers me when you don't take your plate to the sink" - even if that might feel nitpicky, it's a lot easier to respond to. When you're specific, it's more clear what to fix. If the dirty plate represents feeling alone - like you're carrying the physical and emotional load of the relationship - that's an entirely different conversation (be specific about that too).

3. Schedule a time to talk. You might find yourself stuck in a negative communication loop (this happens to the best of us). If that's the case, the longer you stay in that loop - the more escalated it gets. Ask to talk about what's bothering you at a later time - after you've had a chance to take a breather (and get untangled from the attack/defend trap).

4. Remember your emotions are valid (even when they feel ridiculous). Let's say the thing your partner is doing/not doing doesn't feel like it's worth all the fuss - chances are it's triggering something deep in you that's worth expressing. Get brave and try to at least start that conversation. A supportive partner wants to know what you feel.

5. Talk about your experience only (not what your partner is doing wrong). If you try to communicate in a non-blaming way, you'll have much better chances of getting a good response.

6. Use affection to reassure your partner that even though you're frustrated, you don't want to pull away. This usually only works if the conversation hasn't escalated. If you can touch while engaging in a potentially difficult conversation - it might be just the trick to keep things from flaring up.

**Tips like this only work if you have a basic level of trust and safety in your relationship. If you’re reading this and you’ve tried all the things - maybe it’s time to dig a little deeper. EFT Intensives are designed to go beyond communication tips or problem solving. If that sounds good to you, schedule a free consult now!

Your Nervous System Calls BullSh*t

Imagine a couple in an intensive (I’m thinking of all kinds of real couples I’ve had the privilege of working with). The example I’m about to give is a representation of a common dynamic - not about one specific couple.

The female partner is listening to her love, and even though his words sound great and his intention is great - something is off.

The good words and good heart are missing emotion. It’s not dishonest - it just isn’t the full picture of what’s happening. After he shares, it’s clear it isn’t being received.

I want to know more. We slow everything down. Instead of trying to analyze more or figure out exactly what word, phrase or part of the story didn’t fit - we just tune into the emotion of it all. What’s happening in the interaction itself?

The more I listen to both, it starts to click. “Oh! Your nervous system is calling bullsh*t.”

YES, she says. Yes.

In most relationships, there’s a push/pull effect in which couples are trying to find balance. One wants to know what’s the most real, authentic expression that will connect. The other wants to make sure trying to get there doesn’t make things worse. Together - without slowing down and without safety - it can escalate into a frenzy.

Tell me what’s real! Where are you, really? What are you feeling?

Stop yelling at me. I’m telling you what I’m feeling. Here’s the plan for us to feel better.

I don’t want a plan. I want to know what you feel about this!

I already told you! I feel like what you need is for me to tell you how I feel. I feel sad.

BULLSH*T. You feel annoyed that I want to know how you feel!

And there you have it. The nervous system (which is basically our radar for “Am I safe? Do I matter?”) calls bullsh*t all the time. The problem is, when one partner doesn’t feel safe, it fires off a protective wall instinctively. Then, the other partner doesn’t feel safe either - so of course that partner can’t do the thing that will actually make things better. The more one calls bullsh*t, the more the other placates. You can see how it just gets worse and worse.

Back to the lovely couple in our imagination. I’m able to help the partner who was just trying to keep things from getting worse. We slow it way down. He says, “I just don’t want to disappoint you. I’m looking for the right answer all the time. It really does feel like no matter what I say - it’s not making a difference.” The fear of disappointing is real. There is emotion there.

That’s not bullsh*t. And then - when she sees him in a new way - she is able to open up too. And he gets to see more of her. So both partners are able to show tender parts of themselves that normally don’t get expressed.

If you want help finding out what’s real in your relationship - an intensive is a powerful way to get there! Take this quiz to see if your relationship is a good fit for an intensive:

Level Up Your Relationship!

The word alone is intimidating: intensive! Many couples shy away from doing an emotionally focused (or EFT) intensive because they get the impression it’s only for crisis intervention.

Yes, we see plenty of couples in high distress. And we do a great job helping them get clarity so they can get unstuck and have a realistic path forward.

But, check this out: the couples that are proactive and come to us to “Level Up” their relationship are really onto something.

Hear from one of our google reviews: “Our intensive was exactly what we needed to go deeper into an already healthy relationship. Our therapist helped us to slow down and see what good emotions and desires were underneath the unhealthy ways we showed up in conflict. That there were no “good guys” or “bad guys,” just two people who want to connect. Hugely connecting for our marriage.”

Another intensive client said she knew she wanted to “Level Up” their relationship but had no idea how much they could actually do that. She said she got “more than I hoped for!”

What does Level Up really mean? From our experience as EFT Intensive therapists, we see couples do “ok” on their own and yet they intuitively know there’s more connection and intimacy they could be tapping into. They just don’t know how to get there or why it’s not happening.

When you work with an “ok” relationship and Level Up into a great relationship, the research shows that the bond just gets stronger after the work is completed. It’s exponential! Secure attachment (the goal in our work with couples) means you can weather any storm together. The things that used to throw you off course - now they just make you stronger.

We keep up with our intensive clients. We’re seeing a trend: if the couple does follow-up work after their intensive, their relationship satisfaction continues to grow over time. And, they do “graduate” - not needing therapy anymore! YES. That’s a win for everyone.

Find Each Other's Eyes

The experiential component of EFT is both unique and impactful. For many of us EFTers, it’s our favorite part. It’s the thing that (literally) changes the brain, changes relationships, and changes us as therapists. 

For the client, this “experiential component of EFT” means instead of having homework exercises or a list of “do’s” and “don’ts” to follow, you actually have new experiences with your partner in session. 

For those who have completed an intensive, I’m talking about those moments when you landed on something new and important, and your therapist asked, “Now, can you turn and tell your partner?” Do you remember the feelings that came alive when you looked in your partner’s eyes as you shared? For the listening partner – do you remember that moving feeling when your partner shifted their body to face you on the couch, locked eyes with you, and you took in something new? At times you named the feeling as sadness, other times it was fear. Sometimes it was a secure and warm feeling of connection and acceptance. Those exchanges gave us so much valuable information as we worked together to get you unstuck.

For those who haven’t done an intensive, keep reading!

Can you tap into what it feels like to look in your partner’s eyes in a moment of shared joy? Or what about that feeling when your world is falling apart, but you hold it in until you can get to your person, then the tears flow as soon as you lock eyes? 

There’s magic there! Making eye contact with the person you love is moving. These kinds of positive experiences build upon each other and create more safety and security. Partners feel more seen and understood and no longer feel the need for constant protection. 

But when life gets too full and too fast, the opportunities to see each other (both literally and figuratively) begin to dwindle. When we are hurt and scared, we put up walls that keep us from seeing each other too. 

So, here’s your free advice.

Remember a time when you felt truly seen or heard by your partner. When you felt connected as a team. Or when you felt totally accepted for all of who you are. Give yourself a few minutes to access what that was like for you. Go slow and take your time.

Now find your partner’s eyes and tell them. 

Quick disclaimer: 

We help you move toward one another in vulnerability instead of against one another in reactivity. With that comes an important disclaimer. While we are moving toward expressing more vulnerability in and out of sessions, we also know that’s a big ask. You have valid reasons for needing protection, and we don’t argue with those or take them away from you. We take things slowly. We work with bite-size pieces. We support you every step of the way. 

This post was written by our excellent EFT intensive therapist, Anna Lockhart, LPC-MHSP. If you want to learn more about working with Anna, click the button below for a free consult and make sure to indicate you would like to work with Anna.