Your Nervous System Calls BullSh*t
Imagine a couple in an intensive (I’m thinking of all kinds of real couples I’ve had the privilege of working with). The example I’m about to give is a representation of a common dynamic - not about one specific couple.
The female partner is listening to her love, and even though his words sound great and his intention is great - something is off.
The good words and good heart are missing emotion. It’s not dishonest - it just isn’t the full picture of what’s happening. After he shares, it’s clear it isn’t being received.
I want to know more. We slow everything down. Instead of trying to analyze more or figure out exactly what word, phrase or part of the story didn’t fit - we just tune into the emotion of it all. What’s happening in the interaction itself?
The more I listen to both, it starts to click. “Oh! Your nervous system is calling bullsh*t.”
YES, she says. Yes.
In most relationships, there’s a push/pull effect in which couples are trying to find balance. One wants to know what’s the most real, authentic expression that will connect. The other wants to make sure trying to get there doesn’t make things worse. Together - without slowing down and without safety - it can escalate into a frenzy.
Tell me what’s real! Where are you, really? What are you feeling?
Stop yelling at me. I’m telling you what I’m feeling. Here’s the plan for us to feel better.
I don’t want a plan. I want to know what you feel about this!
I already told you! I feel like what you need is for me to tell you how I feel. I feel sad.
BULLSH*T. You feel annoyed that I want to know how you feel!
And there you have it. The nervous system (which is basically our radar for “Am I safe? Do I matter?”) calls bullsh*t all the time. The problem is, when one partner doesn’t feel safe, it fires off a protective wall instinctively. Then, the other partner doesn’t feel safe either - so of course that partner can’t do the thing that will actually make things better. The more one calls bullsh*t, the more the other placates. You can see how it just gets worse and worse.
Back to the lovely couple in our imagination. I’m able to help the partner who was just trying to keep things from getting worse. We slow it way down. He says, “I just don’t want to disappoint you. I’m looking for the right answer all the time. It really does feel like no matter what I say - it’s not making a difference.” The fear of disappointing is real. There is emotion there.
That’s not bullsh*t. And then - when she sees him in a new way - she is able to open up too. And he gets to see more of her. So both partners are able to show tender parts of themselves that normally don’t get expressed.
If you want help finding out what’s real in your relationship - an intensive is a powerful way to get there! Take this quiz to see if your relationship is a good fit for an intensive: