Top 6 Things to Do or Say When You're Frustrated with Your Partner
1. Do nothing (at least not at first). Most of us get in trouble when we react right away to what's triggering us. If you're annoyed - see what it's like to wait just 10 minutes before you snap back with a snarky remark. In just 10 minutes, you might be able to gather perspective and see the full picture of what's really happening. That will inform your response (hopefully a more grounded one).
2. Be specific. The more general and broad you are, the more likely you are to be hurtful. For example, if you say "It really bothers me that you never help out" - that's a bit difficult to take in. But, if you say, "It really bothers me when you don't take your plate to the sink" - even if that might feel nitpicky, it's a lot easier to respond to. When you're specific, it's more clear what to fix. If the dirty plate represents feeling alone - like you're carrying the physical and emotional load of the relationship - that's an entirely different conversation (be specific about that too).
3. Schedule a time to talk. You might find yourself stuck in a negative communication loop (this happens to the best of us). If that's the case, the longer you stay in that loop - the more escalated it gets. Ask to talk about what's bothering you at a later time - after you've had a chance to take a breather (and get untangled from the attack/defend trap).
4. Remember your emotions are valid (even when they feel ridiculous). Let's say the thing your partner is doing/not doing doesn't feel like it's worth all the fuss - chances are it's triggering something deep in you that's worth expressing. Get brave and try to at least start that conversation. A supportive partner wants to know what you feel.
5. Talk about your experience only (not what your partner is doing wrong). If you try to communicate in a non-blaming way, you'll have much better chances of getting a good response.
6. Use affection to reassure your partner that even though you're frustrated, you don't want to pull away. This usually only works if the conversation hasn't escalated. If you can touch while engaging in a potentially difficult conversation - it might be just the trick to keep things from flaring up.
**Tips like this only work if you have a basic level of trust and safety in your relationship. If you’re reading this and you’ve tried all the things - maybe it’s time to dig a little deeper. EFT Intensives are designed to go beyond communication tips or problem solving. If that sounds good to you, schedule a free consult now!